Considering meds again

I'm thinking a great deal again about whether or not to try Gus on medication. From the daily reports I'm getting from school, and from his report card, he's not improving in very specific areas. Academically, he's doing just fine, but he doesn't follow instructions unless he is given constant redirection. So, the complaints are that he's unfocused and not completing assignments. Now, part of me recognizes this as the district building a case to push us to medicate him. That is actually part of my resistance to the idea. But at the same time, these are not fabrications. I know he needs to be told something fifty times before it gets done. His mind is very busy; he has no time to think about something as trivial as putting a shirt on when he's cataloguing animal groups.

I am very much against rushing him into mainstreaming before he's ready and I absolutely do not want him sentenced, from the age of six, to a lifetime of medication. But at the same time, I can't help but wonder if he might get a little more enjoyment out of life if he could focus long enough to learn some things, like riding a bike, or if he could make one friend. Would medication help this along? I don't, and won't, know unless we try it. It seems harmless enough - a trial at a very low dosage - but there's just something in me that cringes.

We definitely need to do some more research. He already has a pretty revved up heart-rate. If the meds increase this, is there any danger to him? He's borderline underweight, and the meds are said to decrease appetite. Will he be zoned out? Will he be less curious and...happy? He's such a bubbly kid - I don't want to dull that. He sees into things in ways that only an incredibly sensitive and perceptive person could - I don't want him to lose that ability. That's part of what makes him so special.

It seems like such a huge tradeoff, potentially.

At any rate, we won't even consider a trial until after his next IEP meeting. And I don't intend to share our decision one way or the other with the school, or pretty much anyone. It's very frustrating and kind of depressing that I'm even allowing the thought to stick with me.

Interesting and Distressing

A couple of years ago, probably closer to three, we took a family vacation to visit my mom. While there, we took Gus to a playground. There were four little girls there. I don't remember it all clearly, but I think I was at the other side of the playground, maybe following around my daughter? At any rate the playground had one of those big play sets with a space underneath with some benches and a little table where Gus and his sister had been playing. The little girls decided to play there as well and attempted to play with Gus. I wasn't aware that they were playing some sort of game that involved capturing him, but they began chasing him and he bolted. I caught him before he left the park and got him away from them; he was rather upset.

Why do I bring this up now? Tonight just before bed, he asked me why I left him at the park, and then proceeded to recount his version of that day's events. He thought I had left him and was scared. Since he was being uncharacteristically clear and open with me, I talked to him about it. Then he started to cry and told me that talking about it was making it worse.

I have no idea why it came up tonight or why he's still so upset about it, but the thing that bugs me the most was that he thought I had left him. Tore my heart right out. I'm usually the parent who won't let the kids out of my sight and I've always got people trying to make me 'let go.' Let them sleep over with someone, let someone take them wherever. It is extremely rare that I give in. Hearing something like 'why did you leave me,' will certainly not make me feel any better about doing so. At the rate I'm going, he'll be in college before I let him have his next sleepover.

I wonder how else he sees his life, I really do.

Typical is not off

Gus has had a substitute teacher for a few weeks now. His regular teacher broke a limb just before Christmas and hasn't been back yet. Heaven help us, she needs to get well soon. I keep getting notes home that he's 'off.' As if I'm supposed to know what that means. Honestly, by most people's definitions, he's a bit 'off' by design. So, is she telling me he's 'off ' from his usual 'offness'? What am I supposed to make of this?

I figured he wasn't getting his work done, so I've been drilling it into his head every day before school. You have to do your work, you have to listen to what your teachers are telling you to do. And he comes home with the same thing. I finally asked him what's going on? Is he doing his work? Is he listening to the teacher? He has said that he is, and actually, judging from the amount of homework he's been bringing home - no more than usual - I had to believe him. So I finally wrote the sub a note asking for specifics. What exactly is he doing that is so 'off?'

The note came home today that he's needs constant prompting to finish his assignments and that he seems to be in his own little world. He seems to be having trouble focusing.

What on earth is this woman doing in a program for spectrum kids?

That loud thudding noise you hear is my head slamming into the desk.

This is the note that I wrote back: "That is pretty typical for him."

Is she kidding me?

And by the way, on day 4 of the gluten-free diet, I have goofed and put spices with MSG into our dinner. But there has been zero change so far. If anything, Gus has been more hyper than usual. Except when he's in school, then he's just zoning out into his own little world. This life is going to drive me to drink one of these days.

Going Gluten Free...sort of

Wow, I haven't been here in ages! Sorry for the prolonged absence. I took a hiatus to write a novel back in November, which I did succeed in drafting, and then I was asked to revise my first novel, but I've been sidetracked with the inspiration to write a new one. So, I'll probably be sporadic at best. There hasn't been much new going on either. Gus's teacher had an accident just before Christmas and hasn't been back to school yet, so I think he's missing her. He's been sort of unfocused at school, not doing his individual work. But otherwise, he's pretty much been status quo.

My friend the dietitian came to see him this week and again recommended that we try a gluten free diet for just 2 weeks to see if there's any level of change in his ability to focus and attend to tasks. Since we've tried everything else, we decided to go for it. She left me a couple of cookbooks and I bought a bunch of gluten free food yesterday. Today is the first day of the trial. I'll need to find some Xantham gum soon - many of the recipes call for it. But this morning I made some gluten free pancakes from a mix. I had to tweak the recipe because of the cholesterol issue (the recipe called for eggs) and I used applesauce with low fat milk. They came out surprisingly good!

Gus is aware that there will be some dietary changes and I think he may be fretting about them a bit, but right now, he's pleased. Those pancakes really were good. I'm hopeful.

Checking in...

I am halfway through my novel writing insanity, but it is going well. So I thought I'd pop in and update.

I had a parent/teacher conference today and Gus is doing famously in his academics. He's above grade level in most things and this is wonderful to hear. The bad news is that because of his short attention span, he can't sit still long enough to get tasks done. Or at least without an awful lot of redirection. I think the school is hoping that I will put him on some sort of medication. I just wonder though, will that mean that he'll be pushed to mainstream and then lose the support that he has? If that's the case, I don't think I'd be too happy with that. But that's still a little ways off - we (hopefully) finish up with the genetics testing next week and then I'll schedule an appointment with the other doctor to see where we stand.

On a happier note, we've experimented with tin can phones this afternoon. They didn't work exactly like they were supposed to, but Gus was running his finger along the string and we did get to see the whole principle of sound vibration in action. Fun stuff!!

Tomorrow morning, I am back to writing. I am pleased to say that Gus (the fictional one, not my son) has a girlfriend - he decided it was time - and she's had a marvelous effect on him. :-D

Hope all is well with whoever is reading!!! I should be back in a couple of weeks!

Tidbits and a hiatus

Just a brief update...

• The dentist went much better than expected. Gus tried to run away from the dentist a couple of times because he was afraid of the electric toothbrush, but once the dentist put that away, he actually did rather well! No cavities and he got his teeth cleaned with fairly little drama. Go Gus!!

• Halloween was, in a word, insane. Gus didn't even eat much in the way of candy. He was just so excited for the day, he was going at warp speed. I couldn't figure out why he was so much more hyper than we expected him to be, but then we discovered that he had chocolate at his school party. The good news is that he was only out of control for a day instead of two like he has been in the past. So he's tolerating it better!

• Finally, I will be posting very little during the next month as I write the sequel to my novel for this year's NaNoWriMo. Last year I wrote a story and one of the characters was loosely based on Gus (hence the pseudonym here). This year's story will feature him more prominently and continue the adventure. Wish me luck - I'm already 6000 words into my 50000 word goal. I will return to posting when the story is complete!

Thanks for reading!!

Homework and Mondays

Some days, I'll admit, I don't cope well. Some days the St. Johns Wort doesn't work as well as others; it's cold and my knees complain every time I have to walk up the stairs; the kids are feeling more ornery or less cooperative than usual...any combination of things can make the day a blessed heaven or a hellish pit of screaming and insanity.

I was pretty harsh on Gus today. I feel crappy about it, so no need to beat me up - I've got that covered. It was one of those bad combinations and it went all wrong pretty quickly.

He's usually pretty tired when he comes home from school so I let him have a snack and chill out a bit before starting homework. Today I made an apple pie just to give the kids something fun for a change instead of just fruit. They seemed to appreciate it. Then we went up and got ready for homework.

Now Mondays are usually tough because I have a schedule to keep. I've got the get homework done, kids bathed, dinner cooked and eaten and then off to work. It is not the best day for the type of homework that Gus despises or for his lovely sister to decide this is the day to torture him. We got a nice sized helping of both.

Spelling words. He had to trace them and then write them twice more. And there will be a test on Friday. Not something I can really blow off. The boy hates to write. The boy was tired. The boy didn't want to hear noise, but the girl wanted to do spelling like her brother. The mommy was about to ram her own head through the wall.

Here's the thing: She needs to learn empathy and to not kick people when they're down so to speak, but at the same time, he needs to learn to cope and that he can't expect the world to shut down when he needs quiet. Usually we make her stop, but why does she always have to be quiet? Why shouldn't she be allowed to sing if she's moved to (so what if she sounds horrid - she's four!) or to spell or laugh or whatever. It's her home too and all she was doing was being a four year old. She has the right to exist in her home too without being scolded for making noise. But of course as soon as I ask her to stop or she hears her brother getting upset over whatever she's doing, she becomes compelled to continue.

So, I lost it - on him. I ordered him to stop the crying and to deal with it. I told him that the world is not a quiet place (and I was being none too quiet about it) and that he had to cope with the noise sometimes. I asked him what he would do when he's in a bigger class and people were talking - would he tell everyone to be quiet? Would he cry every time someone spoke in class? And what about how he talks when other people want quiet - like at three in the morning when we're trying to sleep? Oddly, he actually responded to what I was saying in between crying more. I really suck at being a mom sometimes.

Then there was the added issue of trying to finish the damned homework. Usually his teacher wants me to make him form the letters properly and neatly. I gave up on that. The last couple of words were a mess, but at least he did them. I'll write a note. Once I got a grip on myself (which I did fairly quickly - not quick enough, but it was a short outburst) I decided to cut all our losses and just get through the best way we could. We have all week to learn to spell 'bicycles'.

We're all back on good terms and I'm dragging my creaky knees out into the cold to work. And I'll just have to hope that tomorrow will be a better day.