First Day Back!

Woo! We are so excited about the first day back to school, Gus was awake at 4:30! He's been asking questions:

What will I learn in second grade?
Will I learn Geography?
Will I learn English?
Will I learn Division?

We're all packed and ready for the school bus half an hour early. We've got lunch and noise-canceling earphones, as well as a note alerting the teacher just how early her eager student was up. Gosh, what most teachers wouldn't give for a student that jazzed about learning new things!

And it's an even bigger first day of school than usual because MM is starting Kindergarten today! She's just as excited about school as her brother is, and he's almost as excited for her as he is for himself.

With all the energy in the house this morning, is it any wonder I'm ready for a nap? Will update on how it all went tomorrow. For those with kids starting or starting back to school today, have a great one!

Wonderfully Imperfect

Gus has been off Strattera for a few days now. I will admit, he's a little less focused and a little more hyperactive. I find myself having to tell him to do something ten times instead of eight. And ya know what? I'm so happy!

The Strattera seemed to suppress something essential in him. He became 'dulled.' I can't go so far as to say he was like a zombie, but he certainly lost his light. Sure he was calmer, but he wasn't Gus. Even the bus driver, who hadn't seen him since last summer, immediately noticed the difference.

As much as I'd like him to be able to focus, I don't want to lose all the parts of him that make him special. He's laughing again. He's running and animated (boy is he running and animated!) He's joking and singing - exuberant! I'd be an idiot to not want this version around. And he's sleeping again, thank heavens! One very interesting thing - I took him to a crowded beach today and he didn't have single problem. (He had two minor incidents last week, in a much smaller crowd of beach-goers.)

I'm sure that there are many people in the world who think the dull version is more socially appropriate, just because he was quieter, but they can, quite frankly, bite me.

Strattera Update

After a brief period off of Strattera, Gus has been back on for a little while now. He started at 10 mg and then increased to 15. I took him to the doctor last week, it had been almost a month. The word she used to describe him was 'loopy.' He was not running all around the room like he usually would, but he wasn't exactly what you could call focused either. Instead of his body buzzing, his brain and mouth were motorized. He went on and on about Who Framed Roger Rabbit, very perseverative and going a mile a minute. Our pediatrician wasn't sure what to make of Gus's behavior, so she consulted with the specialist.

The specialist felt that Gus was not on a high enough dosage to see any result. He wanted to go for 36 mg a day, but the dosing guidelines limit his size/age at 25. So he started on that level this weekend.

The only real difference I see is that the meds are making him subdued and sleepy, but I don't know if that equates to focused. He's less responsive when I call him and still needs lots of reminders to complete tasks like getting dressed, maybe not as many as before, but not a huge improvement there. On the other hand, he is having some sleep issues (waking up before 5 am randomly, getting out of bed several times at bed time, sometimes waking in the middle of the night). He's not eating normally. Several times I've had to feed him. He's still anxious and has been getting grumpy on & off, but he's expressing himself more clearly.

This morning, about an hour after taking the meds, he started complaining of feeling sick, tired and of a headache, which is very out of character for him. Even when he's sick, he rarely complains, which told me that he had to be feeling pretty bad, at least for a while.

So I don't know. The side effects haven't been earth-shattering, but neither have the positive results. I'm thinking this medication may help a bit, but ultimately is probably not worth it. We'll have to let him adjust to this new dosage, but it seems more pessimistic by the day.

Is This What It Feels Like?

I had a very uncomfortable experience last night and somewhere in the midst of it, I started to wonder if this is what Gus feels like when he's wound up. If it is, I really feel for him, because it felt awful to me. This wasn't the first time I'd felt this way, but it was the first time I'd ever connected the feeling to what he might experience.

I had to work last night so I had a fifteen minute nap around 8:30 and some caffeinated tea around 9. After I finished my tutoring shift, I stayed up to take care of some other business until around midnight. I was thoroughly exhausted, but I could not fall asleep. After forty-five minutes of tossing and turning I started to look more closely at what I was feeling and I actually started to write down all the different sensations.

At 12:53 am, there was a loud humming in my ears, like the sound of a high voltage cable. This was mostly what was keeping me up. It was coming from inside my head and no matter what I did, it wouldn't stop. Not only could I hear it, but I could feel it - like my entire body was vibrating at a high frequency. Nothing worked to stop it and after a while, I really wanted to beat my head against a wall. The last time I felt like that was when I tried to go vegetarian years ago. I ended up with WAY too much energy and for 5 months, I couldn't sleep and always felt that humming/buzzing going through me. It didn't go away until I started eating meat again; the meat had a grounding effect on me.

In addition to the humming, the other noises in the house started to seem louder - I suppose darkness does that, but it made me extremely jumpy. I made my husband get up and check the downstairs once and two other times, I sat bolt upright, on high alert.

My muscles were tight. Being a yoga teacher, I've become very attuned to my body and I'm accustomed to a feeling of muscles hugging the bones when the muscles are engaged. Last night my muscles were choking my bones, causing a dull ache, and I had to keep stretching and flexing because of the discomfort.

Last, my mind was racing. I had more images and ideas than I could even keep up with - they just added to the internal noise. For a while, I was preoccupied with the stuff that's been going on with Gus's school, then with all the things I have to take care of...stupid things like applying for a new library card. That is not something that should keep me up at night.

I don't know if it was the caffeine or too much computer time just before bed that overstimulated my brain. But I have to work again tonight and I have a busy day today, and I don't know how I'm going to drag myself through it. One thing I do know, I'll be a lot more sensitive to Gus next time he wakes up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep.

No rest for the weary

A squeal. Thump-thump-thump. A ghostly figure standing in my doorway. I roll over to check the clock; it reads 12:30. Shit. I sit up. With no invitation needed, he shambles across the room and climbs into the bed.

A slight whimper. Did he have a nightmare? A cough. Maybe his allergies are bothering him. I have no idea why he's woken up, nor do I particularly want to at the moment. It is not the appropriate time to ask questions I won't get answers to. My eyes can't possible stay open another second. I snuggle a bit and pray that maybe tonight will be different, and he'll go back to sleep. Mothers seem to have a unique wellspring of hope, or perhaps are just good at denial. In any case, I cross my fingers and toes, and close my eyes.

Humming. Please, no.

Leg shaking. No, please, no!

He starts talking to the darkness. Sorry babe, no sleep for you tonight.

My husband takes Gus back to his room and tries to get him back to sleep in there. I can still hear him, through two closed doors. What can anyone possibly have to talk about at this hour in the pitch blackness?

I remember the advisory letter that came home from school about the child who had a man following her and the white unmarked van he was driving. These thoughts are not helping my cause in the least.

I finally give up trying to sleep, get out of bed, grab my laptop and a book and make a half-hearted attempt at doing something constructive. It is now 1:30 and he's still going strong. Bless my daughter's ability to sleep through the noise. Dear husband isn't faring as well as he usually does, and I feel badly about that.

Only one person is online and not someone I particularly want to chat with, but it's better than thinking about predators and abductions. The laptop gets too hot on my legs, so I switch to reading Wuthering Heights. It's not enough to hold my attention and this is a good thing. Maybe now I can go back to sleep. With a click, the lamp is off and I lay my head down.

I desperately try to ignore the muted voices coming from down the hall. Anger is starting to prickle beneath my skin. Enough is enough. I go to rescue hubby and scold Gus. If he wants to stay up all night, fine, but we need to sleep, so be quiet already. There really isn't much patience to be had at 2:30 in the morning. With a hug and a kiss we leave the room, wondering if he will stay put or follow.

Now neither of us can sleep, and Gus is still delivering his dissertation. Finally somewhere around 3, everyone drops off. But not to worry, one alarm is set for 5:00 - we won't sleep too long. That one is violently silenced. The next one sounds at 5:30. I don't even recall hearing it. I wake to the sounds of Dear Husband showering and preparing for work.

Gus has school today, so I must drag myself out of bed - no voice, no balance, no working brain cells - and then try to rouse the little host with the most. He has the nerve to ask for another 8 minutes. "Sorry, buddy. If you want to sleep, you should try doing it at night with the rest of us."