Promising, so far

The report from Gus's teacher was pretty good at the end of day two. He had a good morning but needed more redirection in the afternoon. I was concerned that she'd be less than objective and gloss over negative behavior out of a desire to not have me give up the medication trial too soon. I should really trust her more by now, but I'm not a trusting sort by nature, so I just have to work within my own limitations.

I didn't notice anything before he left for school, but in the afternoon he had stayed awake on the bus as usual. The biggest thing was that he was much calmer than he usually is. He wanted to write a story for my sister who was coming to visit and he sat down several times to watch television. He usually races back and forth through the room, crashing into the doors. He was still hyper, but it was definitely a subdued hyper. I had to laugh at the look on my sister's face when I pointed out, "this is calm."

I'm still somewhat peeved about the meds, but perhaps I'll get over it in time, if we see a real improvement in Gus's ability to control his impulses and focus at least in school. I must keep reminding myself - this isn't about me; it's about what will help him to learn and function safely in the world.

Strattera - day one

I'll apologize now if this happens to get boring, but I need to chronicle Gus's reactions to the meds and this is more reliable (unless I somehow lose my computer) than physically writing down. I may just do both.

I took Gus to his pediatrician yesterday and she took some baselines of all his vitals. He'd already had his liver function checked not long ago when he started his genetic testing. So we started him on the lowest dose - 10 mg - this morning.

An hour and a half later, he was racing around, but he got himself dressed, down to his shoes, with minimal redirection. He's responding when I ask him questions & doesn't seem zoned out at all. Right now, he's watching television quietly. He's covering his ears, which he's been doing a lot, but not usually in the house. He usually covers then when he's going to the bus.

As much as I didn't want to (just to see what the reports were without them knowing he's on medication) I had to tell his teacher that he's started the medication trial. Heaven forbid he suddenly has a bad reaction or an accident in school - they'd need that information. So, we'll see what she has to say this afternoon.

I am not happy about this latest turn of events, but if it helps him I guess I can live with it.

My Son the Bat

"What are you humming?" The question came from the dining area, about seven feet away. There was a little sister talking and the pellet stove fan was droning, not quietly. But Gus was able to hear that I was in the kitchen humming to myself very much under my breath.

Seven feet isn't that far, but with other noise going on and me being very quiet, I'm amazed that he heard. It explains why he's still covering his ears when he gets on the school bus or while at school. We may not notice offensive sounds, but he clearly hears things that the average person would not.

This uncanny ability leads me to wonder what he's really been crying about recently. He had about three crying spells last week and another one yesterday at school. I wonder if he's heard us talking about the medications. I really have to be better about not discussing him when he's within HIS earshot, because even when he doesn't seem to be listening, he often is.

"What are you humming?" From the top of the dining table with a book opened in front of him, he never even looked up. But he heard me.

Mother's Day Was last Week

All week long, Gus has been incredibly huggly and snuggly and kissy. At school, they must have been working on saying, "I love you very much," and punctuating it with a kiss. Gus's usual demonstration of affection is to 'peck' me like Piplup the Pokemon. So it was fun when he started giving actual kisses, but not quite the same. The kisses were sort of forced and rehearsed. But both are welcome, don't get me wrong.

Anyway, I've had a week of hugs and kisses. This morning, Gus woke up and never even came into our room! He was more concerned with getting downstairs to make French toast for me (in bed at that)! Apparently I had used up my quota of hugs and kisses.

Finally, I called him and my husband steered him into our room to wish me a happy day, blah blah. I said, "You haven't given me hugs and kisses today." He climbed right up on the bed and gave me a whole week's worth of pecks. Now that is a great gift.

Perhaps too soon

Gus had a horrendous day on Monday, which led to a phone conversation with his counselor and with her once again trying to convince me to try him on medication. I was getting very worried about his impulsivity, so I spoke to his pediatrician (the specialist he sees is also leaning towards medication). Everything is in place to decide on a medication trial - either Focalin or Strattera.

The funny part is that Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, he was great at school. Not a single complaint from his teacher, and he even got to go with her to the school plant sale where he picked out some marigolds for me.

This does not sound to me like a child in need of medication. Maybe we're jumping the gun on this.

I'm reminded of a Dave Matthews lyric from a song called You Never Know:
"But rushing around seems what's wrong with the world..."

You're not kidding Dave.

Rush to vaccinate, rush to medicate, rush to integrate.... Can't we just slow down a tick?

Is This What It Feels Like?

I had a very uncomfortable experience last night and somewhere in the midst of it, I started to wonder if this is what Gus feels like when he's wound up. If it is, I really feel for him, because it felt awful to me. This wasn't the first time I'd felt this way, but it was the first time I'd ever connected the feeling to what he might experience.

I had to work last night so I had a fifteen minute nap around 8:30 and some caffeinated tea around 9. After I finished my tutoring shift, I stayed up to take care of some other business until around midnight. I was thoroughly exhausted, but I could not fall asleep. After forty-five minutes of tossing and turning I started to look more closely at what I was feeling and I actually started to write down all the different sensations.

At 12:53 am, there was a loud humming in my ears, like the sound of a high voltage cable. This was mostly what was keeping me up. It was coming from inside my head and no matter what I did, it wouldn't stop. Not only could I hear it, but I could feel it - like my entire body was vibrating at a high frequency. Nothing worked to stop it and after a while, I really wanted to beat my head against a wall. The last time I felt like that was when I tried to go vegetarian years ago. I ended up with WAY too much energy and for 5 months, I couldn't sleep and always felt that humming/buzzing going through me. It didn't go away until I started eating meat again; the meat had a grounding effect on me.

In addition to the humming, the other noises in the house started to seem louder - I suppose darkness does that, but it made me extremely jumpy. I made my husband get up and check the downstairs once and two other times, I sat bolt upright, on high alert.

My muscles were tight. Being a yoga teacher, I've become very attuned to my body and I'm accustomed to a feeling of muscles hugging the bones when the muscles are engaged. Last night my muscles were choking my bones, causing a dull ache, and I had to keep stretching and flexing because of the discomfort.

Last, my mind was racing. I had more images and ideas than I could even keep up with - they just added to the internal noise. For a while, I was preoccupied with the stuff that's been going on with Gus's school, then with all the things I have to take care of...stupid things like applying for a new library card. That is not something that should keep me up at night.

I don't know if it was the caffeine or too much computer time just before bed that overstimulated my brain. But I have to work again tonight and I have a busy day today, and I don't know how I'm going to drag myself through it. One thing I do know, I'll be a lot more sensitive to Gus next time he wakes up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep.

The Never-Ending Battle

Yesterday, Gus was presented with an award at school: the Principal's Award for Outstanding Effort (he also got Academic Achievement). I say presented because when his name was called, he bypassed the principal, grabbed the microphone and shouted to the entire school, "Hey! Is this thing on?"

I've been chastised by at least one friend who took exception to the fact that I made him apologize to the principal. She felt that it was normal kid behavior and that the school has unrealistic expectations of kids, particularly the ones with special needs, and that it was funny. A few people thought it was funny, and at a certain level it was.

It also provided a little more ammunition to the school to push for medication.

I'm starting to think I'm fighting a losing battle here. He has no impulse control, and the boy tries - his efforts are Herculean some days. He cried at least twice yesterday because he knew that he shouldn't have done it, but he'd already been having a rough time and he just could not hold it together.

Part of me wishes that they would just get off his back. In a sense, my friend has a point - kids do things like that. But at the same time, the inability to control his impulses can get him into some serious trouble, possibly even danger. For example, he has walked into people's houses (and I don't necessarily mean people that he knows well) - just saw the door opened through the screen and waltzed in. That's a dangerous thing for a kid his age, but imagine the consequence if her was, say fifteen, and did that. He could get arrested, that's IF the person didn't have a gun and decide to shoot first and ask questions later.

At any rate, the counselor jumped at the opportunity (I had requested to talk with her because I'm concerned about how his self-esteem is slipping because he can never seem to meet the high expectations, which may be unreasonably high) and she talked to me about trying meds. She suggested that we look into Strattera and doesn't feel that Ritalin works well for kids on the autism spectrum. I said I'd look into it. I mean, should I wait until they threaten to kick him out of school because they can't handle his behavior?

I haven't done extensive research on Strattera, but it seems that is not a stimulant (a plus) but has also been associated with liver problems and suicidal thoughts.

If anyone has experience with this or any other medications, your thoughts would be appreciated. This is a horribly difficult decision that I'd rather not make, but I don't think I will be able to dodge it much longer, not if I want to keep my child in public school.